12.16.2008
Like running a marathon in quicksand.
I feel hopeless. I feel angry, stressed out, and empty. I totally fucked up this entire semester. I put a big black smudge on my masterpiece of a transcript. I began this semester with a 3.7 GPA. I have worked so hard for the past three years to earn those good grades. I have put forth so much effort. Until now. For some reason this semester was like trying to run a marathon in quicksand. It was impossible for me. I couldn't even get myself to put forth the effort to get B's. I wasn't motivated to learn and I attended probably only 50% of all my classes. I need to know what my problem is so I don't repeat it. Do I hate the school or do I just hate my classes? Am I drained from working 5 days a week at a job that I can't stand just so I can pay my rent? It seems a little backwards to put all my energy into working to pay my rent so I can attend a second-rate University. I know school should be the first priority.. but to me it isn't. I quit High School. I complained my way through Saddleback. Just the thought of having to spend another 3 years in college learning nothing just so I can wave a diploma in some asshole's face at an interview for a job I'll probably hate is enough to make me contemplate suicide. Then I wonder, what the fuck am I here for? What is my existence even worth? I contribute nothing to the world, though I want to. I just don't know what form my contribution will take. I can't tell what my passion is. My college path started as an English major who wanted to go to Law School, then I wanted to major in Nutrition. Then I wanted to go to Culinary School. Then I wanted to take Acting classes. Eventually I came to SF State to study Business so I could own my own baking company. But at this moment, Acting school sounds like a good idea - although I haven't acted in my whole life - besides cute little plays 10 years ago. I don't know what's so alluring to me about show business. I want to be a part of it. I want to be in movies. I want to embody a character's emotions and thoughts. I want to walk down the red carpet. People will tell me that being a successful actor is a 1 in a trillion chance, but it feels so real to me. I can imagine it. I can feel it. I know I could do it. I know I could do anything I actually TRY to do. But what should I commit to? Honestly, I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do to stop hating myself and this life that seems so meaningless.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
I just read your blog and, believe it or not, I really understand how you feel and I'm sure many, many people out there could relate if they read it. Sometimes everything does seem so pointless, yet I know we are all here for a reason. You are certainly here for a reason. I can't begin to tell you how much joy and love you have brought to my life, and I know your papa would say the same thing. (I am going to print out your blog and let him read it so he understands where you're at right now.) If I could just hold you in my arms and make it all better, I would. I have been praying for you all day, that God would help your mind be peaceful. I cannot wait for you to be back here so I know you are safe. I think you feel what you are feeling because you are overwhelmed, and I feel sad that we haven't been able to help you out more financially. It probably doesn't seem fair to you to see people around you not having to work. And, you have a job you really don't like. But, I know you don't want me to feel guilty, and I'm not going to. When you come back home, we can help you sort things out. I know that right now, probably the darkest hour is before the dawn. You must hang on and do your best to think about the things that are good in your life: Louie, your own room, Toph, being 20 years old and having your whole life ahead of you where you can have some great times with great people. Remember what I said about the dreary weather....it really brings people down. I feel that way just with two days of rainy-ish weather. Write back, okay? I love you more than you could ever imagine....when you look into Louie's eyes, I feel that way 1,000 times more at least. Love, Mama
I don't know exactly what to say to make you feel better but I could start off with some simple statements of encouragement because I think you're awesome.
1. Your honesty is really admirable.
2. Your writing is incredible. It's really raw and understandable yet creative and I love the title of this blog.
3. You most certainly have made and continue to make positive contributes to the world. You have to know that. Everything is a contribution in some way or another right? This blog in itself is. People can relate and feel better knowing we all go through similar things in life. Look at the small stuff Katieroo. They add up.
4. You would be a great actress.
Katie, I love you and I'm sorry you feel this way. I think everybody goes through this but it's definitely a painful process. I do know that you'll get through it though and learn a ton and be happy that you spent time thinking, being honest with yourself and others, asking questions, getting them answered, trying new things, searching for truth and meaning. Cliche-maybe-but you are here for a reason. You are. You are. And this life is not meaningless. If it was, you wouldn't have been born. So seek out your purpose. I will be praying for you to find fulfillment and motivation and peace that surpasses all understanding. Because it exists.
Ps. Do what you enjoy. Just do it! And find a job you like. Like possibly baking vegan desserts for Ike's place. Or working at a Golden Spoon. Haha, juuust kidding. :)
*Contributions.
My apologies.
I love you sister!
See you very very very soon!
:)
Mama & Sis you are the best. Thank you for caring so much about me and responding to my bloggeroo. I am feeling better, I think writing down how I was feeling gave me a good frame of reference and helped me sort through what I was experiencing.
Thank you again. Your words mean a lot to me.
They said it all, but I can also say that I love you!! So much!
Post a Comment